Updated on 23/01/24 to fix wording issues.
Updated on 02/03/24 to fix other issues.
Chapter 1 – The Human Hope
by FrenzyLeo awoke to the eerie darkness, greeting him instead of the familiarity of his room. An unsettling silence filled the void, broken only by the sound of his breath. He feels different, as though an unseen force had altered his body.
Attempting to open his eyes, Leo found himself immersed in an endless abyss. ‘What is this place?‘ his mind echoed with uncertainty.
“It’s useless, I can’t see anything!” he thought, slowly realising the desperate situation he found himself in.
His feet seemed as if they lacked some kind of human structure, as did his thumbs. He tried to stand up and walk, but his legs buckled under his weight and were unable to bend.
“Ah!” Leo’s voice echoed through the void as his body gave way, folding beneath him.
He tried to stand up again, but his efforts were in vain. He tumbled again on what seemed like ground.
“I’ve got no choice,” he realized, “I have to crawl.”
He tried to use what seemed to him hands and feet to stand up. Strangely enough, it seemed to be effortless to do so.
A white ball suddenly appeared in front of Leo, illuminating the dark void and blinding him because of the sudden change. The light didn’t reflect anywhere as the darkness was able to absorb all of it. The ball was too far away for Leo to reach it, so he tried to walk up to it.
“Ah! Why is it so useless?” He collapsed again.
As he stood up and tried “walking” again, it slowly began to feel to him like instinct. It suddenly made Leo feel more natural with crawling, which at first seemed bizarre to him.
He reached the light and it suddenly started glowing brighter. He instinctively covered his eyes with his hands, but the light finally revealed to him something unsettling.
“I… I have paws!?” he shouted.
Then he realized that his teeth, cheeks and feet were not the same either.
“What am I!?”
Suddenly, a deep, confident voice emanated from somewhere.
“Leo.”
“Wha-“
“Don’t be afraid,” the voice reassured. “Your old senses will soon come to you.”
“Who are you?”
“No time to waste; he might be listening to us as we speak. Quickly, let me show you something before I send you off.”
“What do you mea-“
Before he could finish saying, in an instant, the light ball enlarged and enveloped Leo with radiance.
When the light vanished, he somehow appeared in what looked like a cave, but he didn’t feel his body. It was as if his spirit was taken somewhere to look. He saw two creatures standing in front of each other. One was what resembled a dog, mainly coloured black with an orange snout. On top of its head, it had a pair of long, curved grey horns. At its back, it had three rib-like ridges. The other looked to Leo like a small grey fairy with two tails, each having a red gem at the end of them. It seemed it was trying to float, but it appeared to be heavily bleeding with many bite marks all over its body.
“Give up, Mesprit,” the dog spoke. “There is no way you will be able to defeat me and stop me from stealing this artefact. Stop pushing it or I will kill you.”
Leo was shocked as he processed the animal’s words. “How could his jaw produce such human sounds? It doesn’t make sense… I will think about it later.”
“No, you can’t take it,” Mesprit answered. “Even if it costs my life, your master will never get your paws on it, Houndoom.”
“Fine, if this is the path you want to take, I will accept it.”
Then, in an instant, Houndoom rushed into Mesprit and rammed it with his head. Mesprit with being unable to dodge was knocked to the ground.
“There will be no mercy!” Houndoom shouted.
Just as he was about to kill Mesprit, Leo was somehow suddenly taken back into his body, back to the unrelenting darkness of the void. He was shocked by what he just witnessed, hyperventilating for brevity.
“What was that?” Leo asked into the abyss.
“This should give you enough insight into what has transpired,” the voice answered. “Remember, you can’t take this journey alone. Allow others to guide you. I shall see you soon, and please, lend us your hope for a better tomorrow.”
“But wait, what am I suppose-“
Then, in an instant, the dark void was filled with a bright, harsh light which blinded him. He suddenly felt lighter as a strong gust pushed from beneath him. The rush of wind roared in his ears, muffling all of the other sounds. Then he finally tried to see what was happening.
“OH JEEZ, I’M FALLING!”
Perhaps he was already falling for a while but was unconscious through most of it. Leo noticed that he was falling somewhere right in the middle of a small, peaceful forest.
“WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! I’M ABOUT TO DIE!”
As he was coming closer to the ground, he noticed he was right above a creature─ and he was about to hit them.
“Watch out!” he shouted with the last of his breath.
Leo hit the ground with great impact with a giant THUMP. The leaves went flying into the air from the sudden gust of wind, covering Leo in them. The creature thankfully avoided him in time.
“I can’t think straight… everything hurts so much…”
Then in an instant, Leo heard someone rushing over to him.
“Are you okay?!” He heard a concerned voice. “That fall seemed pretty rough. Let me get you up.”
Leo could barely keep his head together; nonetheless, he tried to open his eyes. He was in some kind of forest clearing surrounded by really high conifers with a lot of nature kept untouched.
“Do you have any bones broken? Does it hurt a lot?” The voice was freaked out.
Dazed from the fall, Leo struggled to find words, yet strangely, he soon noticed that most of his pain had dissipated. After only a few seconds, he managed to stand up with a little help. He then turned his head towards the voice. Leo’s eyes widened, revealing a bipedal fire mouse creature with a long, thin snout. Its body was mostly covered in front with cream-coloured fur and cyan in the back. On the back, it also had four red circles. Leo, still processing the bizarre situation, instinctively tried to take a step back.
“Ah!” Leo screamed as he fell over again after failing to realize he still wasn’t used to walking. “I will get up on my own!”
“You seem, strange,” mouse concluded. “How did you end up in the sky?”
“Wait, you can talk!?”
The creature tilted its head in visible confusion. “Yeah, of course I can,” the mouse asserted. “Most Pokémon learn at the age of 4… unless they are wild.”
“But-but─ how? Humans can’t communicate with other creatures!”
“Wait, are you saying that you are a human? They only exist in legends… But you also look like a normal Shinx to me.”
Leo, unable to believe it, started looking all over himself. He looked over his left shoulder, but to his surprise instead of seeing his normal human body, he saw black fur extending from the middle to the rear of his body and blue fur extending from the middle to the front. He also had a tail, mostly black, but ended with what resembles a star.
“No, this has to be a dream,” he thought to himself. “There is no way that I could have turned into, whatever… this is!”
“Are you lost? Can you tell me your name at least?” the mouse politely asked.
“I’m… Leo, and I remember I was human before today.”
“Are you sure?”
“I was…”
“I’m drawing a blank. Why am I drawing a blank?” Leo spoke to himself “I can’t remember what I was doing yesterday. Can I remember my family? No, it’s useless. My age? No, not even that. Why can’t I remember anything?!”
“Hey, hey, are you okay?” the mouse asked.
“I can’t remember anything. What’s happening?!”
“Please, stop freaking out. You are also making me nervous. You may have some kind of amnesia. Please, calm down.”
“Who are you?”
“Oh, I didn’t tell you my name, I’m sorry. I’m Cyndaquil, but everyone calls me Xavier. Nice to meet you.”
“You mentioned something about Pokémon. What are they?”
“You don’t even know that?!” Xavier answered shocked “That amnesia hit you pretty hard. I guess nothing can help it. You and I are Pokémon, different creatures with different variations. There are only Pokémon here, at least to my knowledge. Going back to my question, how did you end up in the sky?”
“So, this is going to sound weird, but here’s what happened,” Leo grunted. ”I was trying to wake up from my bed as always, but instead I was in a dark void and then someone spoke to me about how my old senses would come to me and then I saw some kind of vision, and then I started falling out of the sky. Yeah, that is all that I remember, more or less.”
“Hmm, are you sure?” Xavier doubted. ”You must be tired, maybe a good sleep will help you remember.”
“He doesn’t believe me at all, does he?” Leo thought to himself. “Will anyone treat me normally in this world?”
“Anyways, do you have a place to stay? You can come with me if you want,” Xavier proposed.
“This “Xavier” is being awfully generous by allowing me to stay at his place… or does he have some kind of hidden motive behind his actions? No, that can’t be true, he would have left me on the ground otherwise, but still, I have a bad feeling about this.”
“So, what do you say?”
“Ummm… no.” Leo took a step back.
“Why?”
“As much as I know, you can’t trust anybody, no matter what. Who is to say that you won’t try to get me into some kind of scheme in the end and betray me when it’s the most beneficial to you?!” Leo turned towards a random forest path and started walking.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to find a way to be human again. Without anyone’s help. Don’t try to follow me or I will treat it as an act against me.” Leo started running.
“Wait! Do you even know where you are running to!?” Xavier shouted as loud as he could.
Leo could faintly hear Xavier, but he ignored him. He ran as fast as he could, not really paying attention to where he was going. He was thinking that as long as he kept running, he could find a way to get over his problems.
“Why is it so effortless to run for me? Wasn’t I having problems just standing a few moments ago? All of this doesn’t make sense…”
Leo decided to stop as he found himself at a crossing. Both of the paths looked to him very similar, but before he could choose, a Pokémon came out of the forest charging into him with an immense assault.
“What are-“ Leo dodged the tackle at the last second. “What are you doing?! Why are you attacking me?”
The Pokémon looked like a mushroom, with its upper body being all brown with green spots all over it. At the top of its body, there was a mysterious orifice that Leo couldn’t quite identify. The bottom of the Pokémon was fully green.
“Shroomish!” The Pokémon shouted and released a yellow spore from the top of its body.
The surrounding air was quickly filled with the yellow cloud, reaching Leo in almost an instant. Instantaneously, his limbs refused to obey, and he crumpled to the ground, paralysed.
“What’s this, why can’t I move!? I’m not even able to open my mouth… Is that Pokémon going to kill me?”
The Pokémon prepared a tackle and rushed into Leo at high speed. It knocked him a far distance, making him land right under a tree.
Leo winced, a sharp intake of breath escaping him as pain radiated through his body. “Maybe this is what I deserve for my choices.”
Ready to accept his death, he let go of his hope. The Pokémon prepared for another attack, but suddenly a small fire burst flew towards the Pokémon. It successfully hit the mushroom and with it being half-burnt, collapsed onto the ground.
“Leo, are you all right?” Xavier quickly came to him. “Eat this berry, it should help you with your paralysis.”
Xavier took out a red spherical berry with a subtle sheen and helped Leo eat it. After a few seconds, Leo slowly recovered and could move his body again, finding it peculiar that a mere berry could have such a powerful effect.
“Thanks, but didn’t I tell you to stop following me?”
“Yes, and I still persisted. Please—”
“I told you I’m going to find a way out of this place. I just have to reach the nearest town and I will get all the help I need to get out of this… creature’s body. I’m thankful for your help, but I know I can get out of here myself.” He started going in a random path.
“You know that you are just going further into the forest? And later, you will just reach the shore.”
Xavier sighed before continuing, “Uhh, look. As much as you would like, I can’t leave you alone. I know you don’t want me around, but wandering around this world with no recollection of your past is very dangerous, especially with this many wild Pokémon around. Like this one, it may suddenly come and kill you easily as you also seem to have forgotten how to fight. Is this what you really want or will you finally allow me to help you?”
“Is he right? Well, after that ‘wild Pokémon’, I have to say that I would stand no chance in this world. Perhaps… I should genuinely consider following that creature’s advice to ‘allow others to guide you in your journey.’”
“Okay, but I think you owe me an explanation,” Leo asserted.
“What is it?”
“Why did you follow me even though I said that it would not end well with me? Why didn’t you just ignore me and leave?”
“After I noticed you had amnesia, I knew you needed help and that on your own, you would not stand any chance in this world. If I find someone who needs help, I will always try to help them, no matter what.”
“That’s a very generous way of perceiving Pokémon. Okay, so where are we going?”
“Oh, I thought of going to my house. I don’t live with anyone, but there still should be someplace for you to stay. Don’t worry,” he added, gesturing with his arm, “in this direction, there should be no wild Pokémon.”
“Okay, let’s go.”
Both of them started walking along the forest path. Unknown to them, a Pokémon was watching all of what had happened behind the trees.
“Interesting, I will have to report this to my master.”
Well well well, here I come through for P-Wheel! So first things first, we hop straight into the pokemon process right out the gate. Kind of abrupt, but I’ll roll with it. Next we got the human already struggling with the lack of…well humanity already, and we haven’t even gotten to the proper world yet! Unfortunate for Leo. Okay so the first sign of conflict, Mesprite getting dunked on by a random Houndoom. Not a good showing for the lake trio member, but given canon… yeah. Anyway we get the classic vague comment into dump into pokemon world… complete with no landing pads, no parachute, no nothing! I should know a thing or two about that, heh heh.
Anyway, its time for the partner meeting into impromptu dungeon exploration, and yeah we get it all into one chapter! I do like how Leo gets rightfully annoyed he can move effortlessly after struggling only a bit earlier. I do admit, the progression here feels janky and abrupt at times, the shroomish fight being a good example. Also the prose is..stilted at times. I can tell you’re still getting your boundaries on writing a story, so I’m not gonna be too harsh on you here. Still, do try and watch your pacing a tad bit, its a bit hard to let things seep in when you go fast. Its one thing I had to learn myself.
Other than that, solid enough beginning chapter. Not really inventive, but it doesn’t have to be to get the job done! Just work on your prose and pacing, and you can go as far as yah want. Till next time, LOVE AND PEACE~!
Okay, review time! Seeing how yours was right at the bottom of the Story Links at the time, I decided I would give the first chapter a read. And, well… I did notice a handful of odd things. Let’s begin with the first paragraph.
“Leo woke up as always, a dark void greeting him instead of his room. An odd sensation rippled through him, as if some unseen force had shifted his very core. He tried to open his eyes, but the darkness collapsed onto them, forcing him to close them.
“It’s useless, I can’t see anything!” he thought.”
First, he “woke up as always.” I mean, yes, I’d hope he would wake up normally. Did he have a moment where he never woke up, it’s an odd thing to bring to attention at best. Ultimately it could be rewritten somewhat, and it might be a little better. The simplest solution would be to remove the “as always” as it’s an odd and unnecessary addition that makes it feel kind of comical.
“A dark void greeting him instead of his room”. Okay, that’s not bad, but he doesn’t exactly react to this. I’d add in a line or two about him wondering what was going on.
“An odd sensation rippled through him, as if some unseen force had shifted his very core.” According to Grammarly, the comma after “him” is wrong. I don’t know about that, but it is 3:30 AM when I’m writing this, so I could easily be wrong there. Secondly, it’s a bit rapid. Maybe you can have a series of things happen that blend into one rapid thing. Leo “awakens”, and wonders where he is, but then has his thoughts interrupted by some odd thing shaking him to his core.
Speaking of, “as if some unseen force had shifted his very core.” This is a weird sentence. There are probably other ways to rework this sentence, how, specifically, I’m not entirely sure at the moment. But I can say that it feels… unusual. It’s a weird way to phrase that. And it’s also weird he’d know that but not know that things changed later on.
“He tried to open his eyes, but the darkness collapsed onto them, forcing him to close them.” Don’t you hate it when the darkness decides to become a black hole around your eyelids? Joking aside, what exactly were you trying to say here? Was the darkness encroaching on his eyes preventing him from seeing? Was it so dark it didn’t matter if he had his eyes open or not? Was it that his eyes were adjusted for a brighter light, but then he suddenly went into a dark room, so his pupils began expanding which caused his eyes to hurt from the strain? I don’t know which it is, but it’s not exactly worded well.
The first paragraph of a story is important. The opening sentence should draw someone into a story, tell them a thing or two, or at least be interesting enough to keep them wanting to read. There’s definite room for improvement, but you’re on the right track, there are just as few things that need fixing or clarifying.
That said, the next few paragraphs were fine. It very much seemed like the opening to Gates to Infinity, with the hero falling out of the sky, with getting a vision of a psychic type being harassed by a dark type, or at least how it seems… Of course, the main character didn’t run off into a bizarre and odd world.
I get his reasoning for not trusting them because of their suspicious generosity, but they’re still idiotic for not thinking “Oh, I’m in a new world and new body. I should probably not try my luck on facing whatever dangers there may be.” He’s even in the middle of the woods and wouldn’t take a trip back to town with them. Though that’s not a flaw with the story, it’s just a bit of Fridge Logic.
The tone of the story is a bit hard to tell from the first chapter. I find the tone isn’t guaranteed to be set in the first chapter, but it should be consistent with the other chapters. It doesn’t need to be spot on, either. Just “close enough”. I haven’t read the other chapters, so I can’t say for sure what the tone will be. From what I read; it seems it will be a bit more serious. Perhaps not fully serious, but it won’t be all sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops.
Something I can say is, there could be a little more detail in the story. I mean, you did okay for the most part, but you could always do more. Did the main character get covered in dust or leaves when he fell? What did it sound like? That isn’t to mention how you could also describe the characters emoting a bit more. Have them tilt their head, like here.
“Yeah, of course I can,” the mouse asserted. “Most Pokémon learn at an age of 4… unless they are wild.”
Something like, “The creature tilted its head in visible confusion. “Yeah, of course I can,” the mouse asserted. “Most Pokémon learn at around the age of 4… unless they are wild.”
It gives the characters a bit more personality and avoids them just looking like they are random voices in a void. Makes them feel livelier.
Speaking of; characters next. The characters, both Leo and Xavier, seem fine. I can’t exactly say what they are like yet from only the first chapter. The Mespirit, the Houndoom… I was reminded of Gates to Infinity, so is it possible the Mespirit is evil or something? I don’t know, but it would be an interesting twist on not just the standard PMD tale, but the standard Pokémon fanfic, given Mespirit is typically considered to be one of the good guys in 95% of the stories. Then there was the odd voice character, who… might come back, I’m not sure. I don’t know if they will end up being important or not.
Spelling and grammar, there are a few issues. I recommend going with Grammarly or some other thing like that to help with grammar issues.
“Most Pokémon learn at an age of 4”
“but the darkness collapsed onto them”
“Wasn’t I having problems just standing just a few moments ago? All of this doesn’t make sense…”
These have issues grammatically; they should probably look something like this:
Most Pokémon learn at the age of 4”
“but there was nothing but darkness all around”
Wasn’t I having problems just standing a few moments ago? None of this makes any sense…”
It’s not the worst thing, the spelling at least seems to be okay. However, the grammar could use a good bit of work still.
Overall, there’s potential here, but it’s being held back by an odd opening paragraph, grammar issues, and problems with details, be It a lack of details or the details being strange. Keep working and improving, and I’m sure you’ll do even better. At the very least, the words weren’t misspelled, that’s a step forward than 50% of all my oldest fanfics. …And 50% of my newest ones, too.
Thank you for your review. I will admit, that I am weaker with the descriptions and I do need to work on that, though it’s nice that there is at least some level of detail noticeable.
I have changed the first paragraph a lot thanks to your comment. I appreciate it a lot. Hopefully, it sounds way better now.
About Grammarly. I have been using it, but I would guess that the free version is not showing those grammatical issues you mentioned and I cannot afford the paid one at the current moment so there may not be any solution for me for now unfortunately.
But just, I’m really thankful for this review. It gives me the motivation to write more and I’m grateful for that.
This seems familiar