Chapter 1: Rain Before Renewal, Part 1
by dagamestarThunder bellowed and the wind howled. Darkness swallowed the sky, dulling the usually vibrant highlands below. A violent downpour battered its forests, creating the stench of wet soil in the misty air. Branches snapped and swayed as the lush canopies failed to hold back the rain. Lightning crashed down from the clouds, as though Arceus themself was angered.
The streets of Florei Valley were empty and flooded. Rooftops groaned under the stress of water rushing over them, which poured off awnings and into an overflowing river. The only light that shone, besides the flashes of lightning, came from the town’s windows and lampposts.
The muddy roads led up to a brick and wood stronghold overlooking the town. This was Alma Isle’s crown jewel: Its rescue team headquarters. Countless silhouettes of Pokémon crept across its windows like ghosts.
Nonetheless, the base was silent, as was every hub for life in Florei Valley.
That was, except for one.
“That’s not the rule, tusks-for-brains!” a voice yelled over the downpour.
“Yuh-huh! I totally win!” another voice bellowed, just as loud.
A ruckus escaped the walls of a shabby white house across the river. Atop the building was the visage of a Hydreigon baring its teeth at the storm. Rain fell through its hollow eye sockets.
Inside, a Haxorus and a Hakamo-o were at each other’s throats. The Hakamo-o, though the shorter of the two, compensated by brandishing a pool cue. His ochre brown eyes stared down his opponent. The Haxorus glared back with beady red eyes, his tusks pointed threateningly. Dense plates shielded all but his neck, midsection, and bulging belly. Both of them wore black and forest green scarves.
The base around them was a square room themed like a dungeon. Stone-colored beams and walls separated dull floors and ceilings. To the left were four beds, and past them an office space where a Hydreigon worked. On the right side were a bare-bones kitchen and a lounge area overlooking stairs. In the center, a table and stools overpowered a tattered rug.
And in the back was a pool table where the fight was escalating.
The Hakamo-o huffed. “You still have balls to sink! You can’t win now!” His voice was like sandpaper, scratchy and wearing.
“I only have one left, so it’s pretty much my game!” the Haxorus defended, gesturing to the colorful balls on the table. His voice was lazy and low like a yawn.
“That’s stupid!” the smaller dragon snapped. “Clearly people go easy on you because you were dropped as an egg!”
The Haxorus crossed his arms. “That only happened twice! And at least my face didn’t turn out like a shriveled Persim berry!”
A Grovyle sat on a couch across the room, uninterested in their debate. His sky-blue eyes looked up from the book in his claws. Sharp fangs protruded from his mouth, with more revealing themselves as he sighed. He shrugged, adjusted his scarf, and flipped another page.
“I get that from my mother! Shut up!” the Hakamo-o hollered.
His opponent stomped twice. “Make me!”
A thundering bang sounded from the corner of the room. The Hydreigon struck his office desk and threw a stack of papers aside before rising. He had night-colored fur, sickly pale-blue scales, and fiery red eyes.
“Enough!” he roared, drowning out everything else. The others turned, and their eyes filled with fear. Their mouths closed tightly shut.
The room shook as the Hydreigon stomped over. As he advanced, a pendant swung below his scarf— a vibrant, red jewel with swirls of cerulean.
“Maul, Lynn. Boys, tell me,” he said. His voice was a raspy snarl.
The Hydreigon put his “hands” on their shoulders and stared into their souls. “Who the hell cares about a stupid pool game?”
The two flinched and began to tremble. “W-we don’t, Umbrich, sir!”
“Good, good,” Umbrich muttered, lifting a spare cue. “Because if you boneheads assault my ears like that again…”
He broke the cue in half, the resulting snap loud and sharp. “YOU WON’T LIVE TO SEE ANOTHER GAME!”
“Yes sir! Sorry, Umbrich, sir!” Lynn and Maul answered in tandem, nearly stumbling back.
The room went silent, allowing the rhythm of rain smacking the roof to obtrude. Composing himself with a growl, Umbrich peered through a large window behind them.
“Looks like this damn rain’s dying down,” he stated. He eyed the Grovyle, who was still tuning everyone out. “Ivan. Get your nose out of that book and brief us on our mission.”
Ivan nodded. He put down his book, an antique etched with the words, “The Oranguru and the Sea,” and reached into a brown handbag beside him. He pulled out a packet of papers and scurried to the window. Though Ivan stood a little taller than most Grovyle, Umbrich still dwarfed him.
“It’s a lost Pokémon mission,” he informed Umbrich, his voice baritone but mild. “We’re going to Mazey Marsh. I couldn’t find a mission that was just another brawl.”
The Hydreigon paused, processing his words, then glared back at Ivan.
“Do you think I’m gullible, boy?” he asked, his spit spraying past the Grovyle. “That’s a load of Boltund. If you picked that kind of mission, it tugged at your heartstrings. We don’t play hero here. You’d better give me a good reason why we’re hauling our asses in the rain for some lost dimwit!”
Little gets pasts you, does it, sir? Ivan groaned internally. Though a brute, his boss was scarily perceptive.
He drew in a breath. Luckily, I was ready for this.
“S-sir, I know this isn’t your favorite type of mission,” Ivan began, adjusting his posture to hide that he was shaking a little. “But I think you’ll find it’s worth our time. The client, a Lopunny in town, is worried for her son. He was playing east of town, but he never returned. With this storm, it’s important to find him. She’s offering a hefty reward.”
Umbrich snatched the papers out of Ivan’s claws. His features twisted as he read, a greedy smile growing across his face.
“I’ll be damned. This broad must be loaded!” he laughed. “That’s the biggest reward I’ve seen all month. Hmph. Maybe your bleeding heart isn’t so useless after all.”
Umbrich shifted his gaze toward Lynn and Maul. “‘Not so useless’ is more than I can say for some of us around here.” The pair stared jealously at Ivan.
Umbrich handed the papers back to the Grovyle. “Right, time to move. Let’s get this over with.”
Ivan returned to the couch to sort through his bag. The other two scrambled to snatch potions and orbs from a chest of supplies. With Umbrich watching, they knew to pack quickly.
After gathering his things, Ivan slung his bag over his shoulder, its body falling to his hip. He suddenly felt a presence behind him. He turned to find Lynn scowling resentfully with his arms crossed.
“Boss’s pet,” Lynn spat. Ivan returned his dirty look. He was accustomed to being berated, especially by the Hakamo-o.
Ivan rolled his eyes. “Sorry for doing my job. Next time you pick the mission, and I’ll start a shouting match with Maul.”
Lynn pointed a claw at the Grovyle. “Listen here, ‘Ivy.’ You might think you’re hot stuff cause you’ve got a good record, but that means squat here. The boss sings your praises sometimes, but you’re weak and spineless. Stay in your place, spinach breath!”
With his mind spoken, Lynn lumbered back toward Maul and Umbrich. Ivan rubbed his temples.
How did I end up with these thugs? He asked himself.
Ivan winced as he began to reflect on his two years of rescuing. He had already served on two teams prior, and he felt he had done well enough in his early career. But now, that was hard to say.
I wonder what Dad would think. If only this team were doing more for the town. Maybe then I’d know he’d be proud.
Ivan shook the sentiment away. He had to focus on rescuing the boy. He pictured the Buneary alone and afraid, sheltered under a tree as the rain beat down around him. He was shivering, robbed of warmth by the water soaked into his fur.
Ivan gritted his teeth, exposing his full set of fangs. His eyes hardened.
“Don’t worry, little guy,” he whispered to the Buneary. “You’re going to get home safe.”
Hey there! Thank you so much for reading New Dawn Heirloom! Any feedback is welcome, and if you would be super kind as to leave me a Kudos and/or a follow that would be phenomenal. If you don’t know already, this is my first fanfiction series, and so I will (hopefully) continue to improve as I write these stories. I hope, if I’m doing my job right, you have become invested in the characters and world of Arcamare.
I would like to give a special thanks to a few PMD Writers’ Union folks who have helped me immensely in starting writing. Shoutout to LizardLeilel on Ao3, who has greatly eased my transition into this hobby with their help and knowledge; To Doomhuntley on Ao3 and FFN, for help especially pertaining to story construction among plenty else, as well as being an unofficial beta reader; To wolfboydude52 on FFN for beta reading and providing awesome feedback; And to youngmanymca on FFN for continued feedback as well.
If you’ve liked the story up to this point, believe me— I’m just getting started.
Hey there! Saw this in Diner’s story links and figured Id give it a shot, given the ongoing review event.
For this opening chapter, I think You’ve done a great job of scene setting. The choice of words and of what details to show get across the idea of torrential, dangerous flooding and work really well. It also helps set the mood, alongside the argument over something trivial and the threat that followed.
We get introduced to our main character here. I don’t have much to say about him yet, but I find it interesting that he’s drifted between a couple teams before ending up with this one and I can’t help but wonder why. Did he have a falling out with the others. Has something gone horribly that left him only able to get in with this team? I feel like that’s a mystery that will unravel with time, but it feels important.
On the more critical side, while I do like how descriptive you’re being, there were a couple of spots in this chapter where the description didn’t feel like it flowed naturally. I think the most jarring one was probably when it pointed out Ivan’s sharp teeth. Yes, there is some logic behind seeing them when he sighs, but it doesn’t feel like it adds anything to the description and honestly feels more distracting than anything.
[The room shook as the Hydreigon stomped over.]
On the more nitpicky side, I’m not sure hydreigons can stomp given that they’re always floating? A different verb like stormed might work
[Lightning crashed down from the clouds, as though Arceus themselves were angered.]
Grammar nitpick here. I’m assuming you’re using singular they here based on context. In which case it would be “Arceus themself was angered.” If your intention was plural they feel free to ignore this.
Before I wrap my review, I do want to offer a word of advice. I first read this on ao3 noticed that there are a lot of pokemon games and even the anime tagged for this fic’s fandom. I’m not far enough into the fic to know if these are relevant. However, if they’re not you may want to remove them, as miscatigorization is against the tos and may drive away more readers than it draws in. But if I’m completely wrong here, feel free to ignore this.
Overall though, a decent start. Maybe a little short, but it gets important information across and dangles enough of a hook that I’m interested in reading more. However I’m busier than expected and don’t know when I’ll be able to get around to reading, so I’m going to wrap my review here. Until next time.
Hey, thanks so much for the review, and glad you liked it! I’ll start my response by saying Ivan’s characterization will shine in the next couple chapters, and why he’s with Nightscale in the first place will be explained. I appreciate the criticism on the description, it’s something I hopefully ironed out well enough in later chapters. I just couldn’t find a good spot to put Ivan’s description, I guess. As for Umbrich, I injected my own logic here that Hydreigon would have feet under the tufts of her where their legs would have been, but in fairness I did not make that clear except in a reference picture that is not posted here.
Finally, about the tags, I was advised to use many tags for the sake of visibility, I do understand the criticism. I hope that I reference the games’ mechanics and incorporate varieties of Pokemon enough to excuse it.
Thanks again for the review, and I hope you enjoy the rest when/if you get to it!
Hello, hello! Took a while to get around to picking this fic up, but now that it’s up for Book Club over at PMDiner and there’s a Review Event going on over there, I figure I’d drop a review for this fic while I read it. I do recall reading the first chapter when this fic was still in its infancy, and I recall having high hopes for it.
So let’s see just how far this fic has gone since then, and get down to reviewing…
Chapter 1
So firstly we open with quite the image of a dark and stormy night, in a setting that certainly wouldn’t feel out of place in a Mystery Dungeon game, with the Hydreigon head acting as the image of the base. Puts me in mind of the main character’s home in Rescue Team, although with all the rain and thunder it does feel a lot more doom and gloom than the idyllic setting in that game (well, when natural disasters didn’t impede on our characters’ day, of course).
A brick and wood stronghold is Alma Isle’s ‘crown jewel’? This place must not have much to speak for, then.
And now introduced to our resident stooges Lynn and Maul, who bicker like spoiled children. Along with Ivan, our resident dashing toothy protagonist, and Umbrich, our resident angry boss who’ll no doubt be ditched by said dashing protagonist in a few chapters.
I have to admit, I’m a bit puzzled by the ‘load of Boltund’ remark that Umbrich makes. I think it’s meant to be an equivalent of ‘dog shit’ or something to that effect, but hmm, I don’t feel it landed, personally. Idioms are one of those things to be careful of, and I admit that the more forced instances of Pokémonified idioms are one of my writing pet peeves. Not to say they can’t work, of course! Just that if done wrong, idioms like this can look a bit awkward.
Ivan feels too calm and collected to start a shouting match with Maul. He feels more the ‘destroy with logic in five words’ type of person. Though now that I word it like that, I almost make him sound like Miles Edgeworth. XD
Ivan sure has quick team turnover if he’s on his third team already with these guys. Given how most protags make their first team and stick with it. That is an interesting way of looking at it, though, because it’s not often teams break up for whatever reason. They could possibly break up due to mistaken chemistry, not getting on, family matters, illness, and many other reasons. It’s not something often looked into in PMD fics, and I would honestly like to see more PMD fics shed a light on that sort of thing.
Barely a thousand words in and already our gang has our first mission. That was quick. No preamble about joining up with the Guild, that’s for sure.
Review continued in the next chapter!
I’ve got a load of stuff to comment, but will be dropping chapter by chapter;
The chapter immediately starts with an amazing atmosphere that sets the tone right away when contrasted with the aggressive and brute bickering between the two characters, shifting into a relatively more pleasant ambience. The descriptions and narration do feel a bit flat and with a stilted rhythm, though it’s not enough to impede the chapter’s progression. Ivan’s introduction is also interesting, contrasting the environment in a good few ways, enough to get the image of the Grovyle stuck in the forefront of one’s mind. We get a really damn good first impression of the Nightscale group, and right from the getgo the reader understands the dynamics of the group, how they function and the role of each one of them in it, and Ivan’s opinions on all of them, both through his actions and his internal dialogue. I also love the little display of defiance on Ivan’s part, who tries to avoid confrontation by masking his choice to align with Umbrich. The chapter is short and light in content, but is nicely wrapped in stakes for the protagonist. With little teases of what’s to come and what has happened, the chapter’s a damn good introduction to what’s in store for the reader.