Anticonstitutionnellement

“God fucking damnit!” Andrew yelled, smashing his flippers onto the wooden desk. Papers shot up into the air and drifted slowly onto the battered ground.

Charlie merely sat with his arms crossed. “Calm down, we can make this work. It’s just a bump in the road!”

“No! No! No! This was all my fault!” He grabbed at his gills, pulling them downward. “I should have realized that this was a stupid idea! Democracy? What a horrible idea that was! It was dumb, pathetic, dimwitted! Am I repeating myself?”

“No, go on,” Charlie said with a smirk.

Andrew groaned. “This place is horrible. Grandeport? Pokemon hell? I don’t deserve this! God forbid I try to make this place better. I am this damned country’s only hope at success! The council said it themselves!”

“No, we didn’t?”

“Shut up!” He snapped. “It’s what you meant, you were all thinking it. What could have been? Grandeport a flourishing democracy and society under my control! And yet here we are, right back at square one. Mirage is an absolute tyrant, and business as fucking usual.”

The Raichu stood up. “I hate when you get like this, stop talking like you’re some sort of philosopher! But, perhaps the council should apologize.”

“Really?”

“Yes! For being stupid enough to listen to you!” Charlie dashed over to Andrew and raised his paw, swinging it right into the Marshtomp’s cranium.

He stumbled back a few steps before a paper grabbed his foot and pulled him to the floor. “The hell was that for?”

“Making me listen to that stupid speech! Give that at your inauguration and they’ll chop your head off on the spot, and you’ll deserve it, too.”

“Great news Charlie!” Andrew stumbled back up, approaching the Raichu and giving him a light push. “I’m not going to have an inauguration because I came third in the election! Third place! That stupid bird guy did better than me! Thomas didn’t even know his name, look how far I’ve fallen.”

Charlie smirked. “With that attitude, maybe no inauguration. But, have you listened to anything I’ve said? We’ll work something out. Mirage only got thirty percent of the vote, he doesn’t have the police or guilds behind him.”

“But I…”

“Oh, woe is me! I lost the election!” He mocked. “Shut up. You’re still standing here, in Mirage’s castle, just a few halls away from him. If he could get rid of you, he would have done it by now.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “That’s reassuring.” 

“There’s going to be another meeting tomorrow. Show up so we can fix this mess, because if you don’t I’ll kill you myself.” The Raichu smiled, placing his paws on Andrew’s back, pushing him across the sea of papers and toward the room’s exit.

“Charlie, at this point I don’t want to-”

“I don’t want to hear it! See you tomorrow!” In one swift motion, the door slammed behind him, a loud bang echoing down the infinite hall. 

---

The sun hung low over the navy blue sky, colors dancing and reflecting off the white house’s surface. Andrew let out a soft sigh. A light was on in the window left of the front door, the silhouette of Thomas moving back and forth. 

Andrew slowly approached the house and gave the front door two light knocks. 

Scampering, scampering, scampering. 

Thomas opened the door, giving him a warm smile. “Hi, Andrew! How was your day?”

“There’s no correct answer to that question.”

His eyes softened, “Come in, it’s almost time for dinner.”

The house was a bit cleaner than when Andrew had first entered it. Gone were most of the stains left by children on the floor and walls, though some still stuck to the furniture which he had sought to avoid. Some of them were simply out of reach. The Marshtomp looked to the ceiling, how the hell did you get up there? I couldn’t have been that messy when I was a kid!

The warm glow of lamps lit around the kitchen melding with the darkness of the outdoors gave the space a roomy feeling. The stove, or at least what looked like one was lit. On top sat a large metal pot accompanied by Thomas. He held a long wooden spoon, stirring in slow motions with his vine. 

“I’m making soup!” He exclaimed, turning back to Andrew.

He sighed. “That’s good. Soup’s probably all I can eat.”

“It’s an old family recipe.” Thomas put his spare vine to his chin. “Well, sort of. My house’s cook always used to make this and call it an old family recipe.”

“Your house had a cook?” 

“Of course! My parents weren’t going to let me starve.” He tilted his head, a dumbfounded look on his face. 

Andrew met Thomas’ expression with his own quizzical glare. “I’ll admit, something is endearing about that response.”  

The Servine opened up a cabinet beneath the stove and pulled out a gray pale. Grabbing it tightly and wrapping it green, he slowly tipped it over the stove. A soft sizzling sound was let out as the flame became doused. “Dinner’s ready! Could you get me the ladle?”

Andrew shuffled over to a drawer, quickly identifying the tool and handing it to Thomas. Andrew made his way to the table and slumped his head down as Thomas brought over a spoon and bowl of soup. 

Steam ascended from the reddish-orange liquid below. Andrew ran his fingers across the side of the bowl, a satisfying heat beginning to warm them.  

“Andrew?” Thomas called from across the table. “Is something bothering you?”

The wonderful aroma entered his nostrils, an almost tomato-esque smell filling them. “You could say that.”

“Is it about the election? I know it didn’t go as we hoped, but look on the bright side! We have a roof over our heads. Food on the table, and there are rumors of another anti-Mirage protest happening soon! I think everything is going to work out fine! It’ll just take some time.” Thomas dipped his spoon into the bowl, taking a sip of his soup.

Andrew sighed, scooping up some of his own. “I’m supposed to go to another meeting tomorrow.”

“And what will that be about?”

“No idea, other than everyone taking turns calling me an idiot.” He threw his head back. “Augh! I was so stupid! Look now, look where we are! What if Mirage sends an assassin to kill us? Then again, Charlie did say if Mirage wanted to kill me he’d have already done it. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.”

Andrew turned his gaze back to Thomas, only to see the Servine absent from his chair. What the-

A vine wrapped Andrew’s torso. “Don’t worry, it’s going to be okay. Alright?” He said softly. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know. That’s what Charlie said too.”

“Good! Now enjoy your soup!” Thomas released the Marshtomp, before skipping back over to his seat to resume his slurping. 

Andrew dipped his spoon back in, taking in the warm liquid. 

What should I believe? Thomas and Charlie are my best friends. And they’re both telling me that everything is going to be okay. That means it has to be, right? Gazing through the window, he put his spoon back down in his bowl.

“Sorry Thomas, I’m not hungry. I’m gonna sleep now, goodnight.” The Marshtomp got up, lumbering down a dimly lit hallway.

A weary look crossed Thomas’ face. “Alright Andrew, goodnight.”

The sound echoed down the corridor as he pulled open a door and entered his room. Inside was nearly pitch black, only a small trickle of evening light allowed by a window. He held out his flippers until he felt something soft, climbing up onto it.

I’m not happy that Thomas’ house burnt down, but having a real bed is amazing! We should have moved here when I first got it, or I should have. At least Thomas is here with me. Maybe I should try looking on the bright side? I don’t need to be a leader! I can just stay here rent-free with Thomas. We can be roommates! Best friends… Maybe something more?

His eyes shot open. “Something more?” Andrew murmured to himself. “Am I crazy? I’m still a human.” And I still haven’t told that to Thomas. I don’t know. It’s… It’s all going to work out. It has to! His lip curled into a frown, “It has to.”

---

“Are you ready?” Charlie asked, a wide grin plastered on his face.

“How am I supposed to answer that question? Either I am ready, and you force me to go into a meeting I don’t want to be in. Or I’m not ready, and you force me to go into a meeting I don’t want to. Catch twenty-two.” Andrew crossed his flippers.

“Catch what now?” The Raichu questioned, leaning his head.

He rolled his eyes. “Never mind. But before we go in, there’s something I’d like to tell you.”

“Oh, you’re ready? Great!” Charlie swung the door open, interrupting the Marshtomp. He cupped his mouth with his paws and looked toward the council before yelling. “Let’s begin!”

The others let out a collective sigh. Andrew walked in, shaking nervously. Larry had his usual glare but, Felicia and Eugene also bore looks of discontent. The Tyrantrum huffed and narrowed his eyes. Probably would smash through the ceiling if he tried to kill me… 

Charlie grabbed Andrew by his shoulders, guiding and seating him in an empty chair. The Raichu dashed toward the center of the room before clearing his throat. “Before I get into it, let’s have a moment of silence for Andrew’s dead plan.”

“Very funny, Charlie,” Andrew scoffed.

“I said quiet!” Charlie yelled at the top of his lungs, his voice powerful enough to shake the room.

“Alright, jeez,” the Marshtomp murmured. The council sat in silence though, Larry and Eugene continued to glare at him. Felicia mostly had her gaze locked on Charlie, though she took the occasional angry glance at Andrew. 

I can see everyone is in a good mood.

“Jokes aside, Andrew. You had a goal, an ideal that you believed in. And you know what? That’s something I can respect,” Charlie said before his eyes swept over the whole council. I too have something I believe in, something I’ve wanted to achieve since I was a Pichu. And I’ve brought you all here today to bring you on board with my destiny.”

“On board with your destiny? That statement doesn’t even make sense! I’m surprised you even bothered to show up for today’s meeting!” Larry mocked with a smug grin.

Felicia slammed her fist on the table. “Larry! Not the time!”

Charlie’s eyes dashed from side to side. “Anyways, my goal is simple. Now that all else has failed, let’s kill Mirage!”

“What?” Andrew’s eyes widened. “We can’t just kill him! Imagine how bad that would make us look!”

“For once I agree with the Marshtomp,” Larry remarked. “Killing the King’s a great way to get some old Pokemon riled up. They might send us angry letters! Maybe a small crowd will gather and yell at us! Whatever will we do?”

Felicia got up, sighing. “No, Andrew has a point. Killing Mirage sets a bad precedent. Then again, Mirage will garner some police support sooner or later if we don’t act fast. As long as Mirage dies in an accident, maybe we can get away with it.”

Andrew leaned back. “Hey, look, I’ll admit I’ve done some crazy shit recently, but I’m not a murderer. I didn’t sign up for this. I don’t want to be Grandeport’s leader or whatever if this is how we’re going to do things.”

“Andrew, think for a moment!” Charlie approached Andrew’s seat, leaning on the table with an arm. “You were so close to becoming this country’s leader. You actually wanted to do something good for once, you were somebody worth listening to! And what did he do? He took that all away.”

He curled his fingers into a fist. “He did…”

“Not to mention he treated you like shit before that! Don’t think you’re unique. He’s done it to all of us! Felicia, remind me, didn’t he order your squadron on a suicide mission? Against you and your comrades plead? How many of them survived?” Charlie asked, pointing at the Lucario.

She narrowed her eyes. “You’re looking at her.”

“Eugene, why don’t you tell us about the little gift Mirage gave you some years back.”

The Tyrantrum made no eye contact. “Mirage decided to gift an estate to my grandson when he came of age via a legally binding contract. A massive mansion, with about fifty rooms, and  property stretching five-thousand acres in area. But he failed to read the fine print! Both figuratively and literally.”

Eugene crouched down and shook the room as he leveled with Andrew.  “He had to pay all the maintenance costs! For every room and square acre of land! Do you know how much that is? I’ve lost track!” He boomed. “My grandson can barely feed his family, I can barely feed myself with the amount I’m forced to pay for support!”

“Oh god, that’s… that’s horrible,” Andrew muttered. “So much money down the drain.”

“But, child? Do you want to know the worst of all? He can only stay in the mansion for two weeks a year!” Eugene began laughing, a deep laughter that refused to subside even as a large tear rolled down his massive snout. The Tyrantrum took a loud, deep breath. Returning to his usual position as the noise calmed. 

“And Larry, if I may ask. Who was the first Pokemon to address you as Larry after being asked not to?” Charlie sneered, a wicked grin on his face.

“Mirage!” The Gallade yelled, shooting up from his seat. “That son of a bitch!”

The Raichu pushed himself up and began circling the perimeter of the table. “And that leaves me. What horrible thing did Mirage do that would make me the one to suggest this? Why don’t you guess, Andrew?”

“Uh… I don’t know.” He gazed as Charlie continued to circle the table.

“C’mon, we don’t hall all day.”

“Actually,” Felicia cut in. “We don’t have anything else planned for the rest of the day. In theory-”

Charlie let out a large groan. “I’m having a moment here!”

“Alright, just pointing it out,” she mumbled.

What did Mirage say in the conversation the other day? Something about Charlie’s brother? Sister? Mother! Yeah, that was it. You don’t want to end up like your mother or something, he imitated in a Mirage voice mentally.

“Did Mirage do something to your mom?”

Charlie froze, slowly twisting his head to Andrew. “What did you just say?”

“Uh…” He scratched the back of his head. “I asked if Mirage did something to your mother. Pretty sure he mentioned-”

The Raichu stomped his foot on the ground. “Shut up! Shutupshutpshutpshutp! SHUT UP!”

Holy shit the temper on this rodent. Goddamnit I wish I had a camera. He held out his flippers in front of him. “Geez calm down, man.”

Charlie marched up to Andrew and stook a paw in his face. “Don’t you calm down man me, Marshtomp! Nobody gets to talk about my mother! Nobody!” 

“Okay,” Andrew said meekly, scooting his chair back.

Charlie stood less than a foot away, his paws trembled in the air. His tail waved back and forth as his heavy breathing blew onto Andrew’s skin. Small blue sparks shot off his cheeks, flying into the air and fizzling out. 

“I’m… I’m sorry, Andrew.” The Raichu took a step back, lowering his arms as his ears drooped.

Larry cleared his throat. “Perhaps you like to hear the story of my trauma? That day when Mirage decided Larry was-”

“Shut up Larry!” The council shouted as a collective.

“Look, man.” The Raichu’s tail dragged on the floor. “Now’s not the time for me to go into this. But, Mirage. That Ninetails, that thing, it raised me. Or at least, supervised me as I grew up. Can you imagine that? Imagine having to live under the same roof as fucking Mirage for your entire childhood? Andrew, if you don’t want us to kill him, I’ll let that be your choice. But he deserves it! There’s not a single Pokemon on this Earth that Mirage has ever been truly nice to. Plus, he’ll kill you and everyone you love if we don’t get him first.” 

The room fell into silence as everyone gazed intently at Charlie. 

Andrew’s eyes fell shut.

His heartbeat raced, his chest began to heave. Brething became harder and harder, faster and faster He leaped up from his chair, right onto the wooden table. “Augh! That bitch! I don’t care anymore!” Do you? “There’s no value in letting that dumb bitch stay alive!” Is there? “Damnit, damnit, damnit! He’s ruined all your lives!  He’s ruined my life! You idiots, you’re all idiots!” Or are they rational? “What are you waiting for? Kill the king! Chop his goddamn head off! Or,” he smirked. “Send him to the bottom of the ocean.”

“Kill the king!” Charlie hollered, tail reinvigorated and paws shooting up.

“Be quiet you two!” Felicia snapped, arms crossed. “He’s only a few halls down!”

Larry grimaced. “Yeah, great going. He’ll have us in chains by noon.”

Andrew eyed the Gallade. “And what have you contributed to the conversation?”

“I’ve given you helpful and constructive feedback, to help further your learning and growth as a Pokemon.”

“Oh yeah, real helpful.” He put a finger on his chin. 

“I think you mean, really smart?” The Gallade tilted his head forward, a long smile brandished across it.

“No that’s really-”

“Arceus, enough!” Felicia shouted, silencing the room. “If we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to need a plan.”

---

The council members filed out of the room, with even Eugene managing to fit through the doorframe. He crouched as he stomped down the hallway and into the distance. 

“So Andrew, you want to get some ice cream?” Charlie asked, smiling.

His hand trembled. “S-Sure! I’d love to. Let’s go.”

The walk to the town square was done in silence. Not just between him and Charlie, everything seemed a bit quieter. The wind blew less hard, and the shopkeepers advertised their products in just a slightly quieter pitch. Even the conversations of townspeople seemed less frequent and more reserved in tone. 

Am I being watched? Pokemon looked up from their newspapers and friends, taking short glances at Andrew. Some did so with soft eyes, others with hard glares. “Charlie, are people staring at me?” Are they judging me?

The Raichu peered over his shoulder. “No, I don’t think so. Come on, the election is already old news.”

“They’re watching me, Charlie. Maybe we should go back?”

He shot his own hard glare glare at Andrew. “No, nobody is paying any attention to you. Keep walking.”

A roll of sweat trickled down Andrew’s side as they approached the ice cream stand. As per routine, Charlie ordered one vanilla cone and one cookie and cream. The Weavile in charge handed him the cones in exchange for a couple of coins. He walked back over to Andrew, only to find the Marshtomp shivering. 

“I know that I have fur and you don’t, but is it really that cold?” The Raichu asked as he tilted his head.

Teeth chattering, he muttered. “N-N-No. Perfectly g-good weather. Givme m-me the ice c-c-cream.”

He handed Andrew the cone. They began licking in silence, watching the passerby Pokemon as his shivering continued. I can’t believe it. What did I just agree to? Are they really going to kill Mirage? I’m not a murderer! But, I’m not going to kill him. Someone else will, Charlie, the cops, or whoever. They’ll do it! I’m not a murderer. 

Andrew laughed. “I’m not a m-murderer! I’m not g-going to murder anybody!”

“Andrew?” Charlie twisted his head. “Is there something you’d like to tell me?”

Yes, there is. You’re a maniac who wants to murder your family. But, no! God no! If I say that then somehow I’m the bad guy? Because I don’t want to kill Mirage? Gah! I’m doing it again aren’t I? Circling around in my head while I’m in a conversation. I could really go for some pizza about now.

He stretched out a flipper, holding the ice cream cone. “T-Take it.”

The Raichu grabbed the cone from his hand, raising his brow. “Andrew, please don’t tell me you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking. After all we’ve been through and all that we’re going to do. After the help I’ve given you, the time we’ve spent getting ice cream! The money I’ve spent on the ice cream! Please! Please don’t tell me…”

Goddamnit, he knows what I think! How was it so obvious? Goodbye, cruel Pokeworld. 

“…That you’re embarrassed about being cold?”

“I’m… I’m, y-y-yes.” His teeth clacked against each other. “I’m fr-freezing out here. The b-bowtie isn’t very w-warm.”

“Why didn’t you say so? Let’s buy you a coat!” Charlie grabbed his flipper and began pulling him across the half-empty square. Cold winds blew against his face, forcing him to keep his eyes half open as he was dragged along the cobblestone. 

Suddenly, a blast of warmth. And the sound of a small bell chiming. Andrew opened his eyes to find himself in some sort of clothing shop. It seemed quite plain, with few decorations and exposed wooden plank walls. He could easily see the store from the store from front to back. Light-colored racks lined the floor, various garments hanging from them. 

Still pulling Andrew, Charlie marched up to a Breloom standing at a desk in the front of the store. “We need something that will fit my Marshtomp friend here. Windbreaker of some sort? It should keep him warm during these months.”

“Ah yes.” He responded calmly. “I believe we have just the thing, follow me.” 

They weaved through desolate isles, stomped across the creaky wooden floor, and dashed under the warmth of lamps, until stopping at a seemingly ordinary rack. The Breloom reached his claw into the curtain of clothing, before pulling out a dark green cloak. 

“I believe this should suit your needs.” He handed it to Andrew who grabbed it while tilting his head.

“I’ve never seen one of these in real life. How do you put it on?”

Charlie tilted his head. “You’re a Marshtomp living in Grandeport! How have you never seen a cloak before, or even worn one?”

Andrew stared daggers at the Raichu.

“Oh yeah, right. Give me that.” Charlie said, before riping the cloak out of his flippers. He dashed behind Andrew, draping it over his shoulders and grabing the two strings on either side of his neck. He let out a light hum as he tied them into a tidy knot. 

The Marshtomp smiled. “Hey, not bad.” The cloak covered from his neck to just above his tail fins. He spun around on his foot, air sweeping beneath the cotton and elevating the ends of the cloak. 

“We’ll take it!” Charlie exclaimed, patting Andrew on the back. 

They made their way back to the front of the shop and Charlie handed the shopkeeper a small pile money before Andrew strutted out the door in his new cloak. 

Now let’s see, what was I going to tell him? That I’m not a murderer? Yes, that’s it! I can’t allow this. I might not be human anymore, but my humanity is only truly gone if I allow this to happen! I can save lives! C’mon Andrew, get your act together!

“Charlie, we have to discuss something,” Andrew said as he approached the Raichu outside the store. He twiddled his flippers anxiously behind his back, the motion hidden beneath his new cloak.

“Huh? What is it?” Charlie asked. “I really should be heading back now. You know, there are arrangements to be made. 

Andrew took a step back. “Yeah, about that. I-”

“What about it?” Charlie interrupted, his gaze turned cold and harsh. “Is there an issue?”

Yes, Charlie. We have a tiny little issue. The Marshtomp wanted to say.

“Uh no, no. Never mind,” Andrew whispered, putting his head down.

Charlie clasped his paws together. “Great! Then I’ll be on my way. See you soon.” Charlie bowed his head before trekking in the opposite direction, disappearing behind a tall stone building. 

Goddamnit fucking shit bullshit damnit.

---

Lifelessness. That was the only word Andrew’s mind could muster to describe what he was staring at. The row of houses, once painted their vibrant pastel colors, had all been burned to a dark gray. Shattered glass lay strewn across the street. His eyes shot up, down, then back up again, to prevent stepping on any serrated shards.

The address had since been burned off the door, but muscles guided Andrew to the house that had once belonged to Thomas. 

Did he ever have this place insured? Does Grandeport have insurance?

The inside of the house was no better. Plants and vines that were once inescapable had been burnt to a crisp, only a few vases and sticks left behind as any evidence. The walls of the interior looked similar to the ones on the outside being gray and tattered. 

Andrew sighed, taking a seat in the center of the foyer. A small bit of moonlight shone through a newly torn hole in the ceiling. 

The house was empty.  

The house was gone.

He turned onto his side, cushioning his head on top of his flippers. With heavy eyes the Marshtomp let them fall. Sealing his vision off as he drifted to sleep.

---

Thomas strolled down the yellow brick road. A pen floated above his head as it scribbled on the invisible paper Andrew was holding. 

Andrew

Andrew

Andrew

“Werdna ih!” Thomas exclaimed happily, skipping up to him. The human held out all five of his fingers, all six of them, all four of them.

No more Thomas! Where did he go?

Andrew stared at his flipper. Why does it look like that? Three fingers with no thumb? Have we been here before? Why is it one on fire? And indeed, look! Andrew’s flippers are on fire! 

The blue appendage was engulfed in warm orange-yellow flames. Shooting up beyond the abyss and calmly warming his body.  

Pretty ironic considering where you’re sleeping? Right? This begs the question, since when does Mirage walk on two legs?

The Ninetails simply stood there! What was he doing? What was he plotting? He smiled, taking a sip from his ornate teacup. The curtains arose, revealing the audience. Three hundred Charlies sat in those cushiony velvet chairs! Man, I’d really like to sit there, those Charlies look pretty comfy. 

Charlie took a lick from his ice cream. There again, they sat beside the yellow brick road. Thomas was typing on his new computer with his oddly human-looking hands. He turned his gaze to the Marshtomp.

The Marshtomp, the Marshtomp! I’m a Marshtomp!

“Ton m’I! Gnidih uoy era yhw? Noos gnimoc s’tahw wonk htob ew.” He winked, before sinking into the path. 

Charlie handed an ice cream to Andrew. “Hey, be grateful I’m speaking English. Now that I think about it, have we ever referred to this language as English? I hope not, because I’m pretty sure England doesn’t exist.”

“Sure, I guess.” The Marshtomp, also known as Andrew who I think is me, said. 

The Raichu now held my ice cream. He ate it in one bite, kinda just inserting it into his mouth without chewing. “Drawkcab! Drawkcab! Drawkcab!”

“Very funny.”

Charlie’s gone now. Just me, floating in front of Arceus.

The thing looked at me. How do you describe Arceus? A giant floating horse? He, or they? I’ll go with they. They’re very big, about a thousand Andrews in height. He didn’t talk, but he spoke to me. 

“Em llet uoy. Ytinamuh gnitaroioreted ruoy fo tnemgif rehtona tsuj? Maerd eht fo trap a tsuj siht si, ro? Laer si Suecra kniht uoy od? Suecra laer eht m’I kniht uoy od, os?”

Great.

Just great.