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    Tik Tok, Tik Tok… Tap, Tap…

    There was silence in the classroom, no talking could be heard, only the sound of tapping cellphones and paws, and the clock above the blackboard. Claire looked at it, it was 10:30 a.m., basically after the break. She would occasionally glance around the classroom for a little, her sister sending messages on the phone along with her friends, Cerbera, the Houndour, tapping his foot, Amy trying to make the plants beside the wall of the classroom grow with her power, although not being successful. But the thing that got most of her attention after she glanced a few times, was Taro looking at her for a second before pretending to look away. Did she go too far with that kiss? I mean, she doesn’t LIKE, like him, she just kissed him as a gratitude… and a bit of teasing as well. Did Taro take that seriously? She didn’t want to toy with his feelings, she needed to fix it fast.

    She looked at Taro. “Hey-“ Until she got interrupted by Cerbera, looking a bit impatient.

    “I can’t wait for him any freaking longer!” He said while snorting flames from his snout. Amy turned to him.

    “But it’s been like… two minutes since we came back to class.” The Shaymin said while raising her paw.

    “But all of this lack of noise is been pissing me off! Come on, we need more noise, we need more fun!”

    “And what do you suggest?” Taro butted in by asking. Still trying to figure out what the fire hound wanted.

    The Houndour grins as he moves in front of the teacher’s desk. “Simple! Let’s all measure our power levels! The kid with the worst attack, will get called wimpy mon for the rest of the month!” After the announcement, the hedgehog raised a paw.

    “And what happens with one of the highest power?” Cerbera glared at Amy and waved her off.

    “Bah, you don’t count in this, you’re the mythical in this class!” The Shaymin looked at the hound with an angry look.

    “Hey, I might be mythical, but I’m not even a fighter! I barely can do any attacking moves!” She shot back at him, and from the depths of the class, a regal kind of laugh was heard, and they all looked at the white Vulpix.

    ‘Elsa…’ Claire thought, not even looking back to know who was laughing like that. Instead, she just buried her head on the desk.

    “It is obvious who’s the strongest here, you cannot even compare to me without being all mentally demoted to even lower peasants!” She stated while her friends all nodded in agreement.

    “Indeed Elsa, the fools have nothing on you!” The Glameow said.

    “Besides that, we all know who the prettiest girl from class is!” The Purrloin next to her added. As Elsa nodded sassily until Amy tilted her head in confusion.

    “But isn’t ice known as one of the weakest types of all?” She asked putting a paw on her chin. Taro giggled along with Cerbera. That made Elsa growl in anger as she shot an ice shard directly at the hedgehog, hitting her in her grassy needles. Amy moaned in pain as part of her nose froze. Claire raised her head and saw the scene, she immediately turned to Elsa and shouted with flames coming on the side of her maw. She was angry.

    “Elsaaaa!!!” She was about to fire a fireball at her before Taro stepped in her way, with his spikes popping out of his fur.

    “Hey wait!” He shouted desperately, as Claire dissipated the fireball. “Please don’t get into each other’s throats like that!” Claire growled and looked at her sister behind him, huffing as she passed a paw on her fur.

    “But she-“

    “Even so, it’s not worth it. What is worth doing right now is that.” He pointed at Amy, tearing up while gritting her teeth because of the pain. Claire looked at her for a moment and sighed, nodding back to Taro she went up to the Shaymin, followed up by the Togedemaru himself. Amy looked at them both, Claire was the first to speak first.

    “Hey um… sorry about my sister. She’s just… a bit of a spoiled brat.” She said while rubbing the back of her head as she sat on the ground.

    “It’s okay… although that ice hurt as shit, I’m alright. My needles are just a bit frozen, but I’ll live.” She let out a chuckle, wincing as the ice burned through a bit of her skin.

    “Here, let me just…” She put her muzzle close to the ice and shot a small controlled flame, melting the ice in the process. It was completely gone, although it left a small mark.

    “Thank you.” The Shaymin smiled at Claire. She and Taro did the same as the fox replied.

    “Anytime!”  Suddenly, Amy’s head flower glowed, and the potted plants that were on the wall completely bloomed into beautiful flowers. The three Pokémon stared at it confused before an invisible lightbulb appeared above Claire’s head. “Oh yeah, I read about that!”

    Taro looked at her confused. “Read about what…?”

    “Don’t you know? Shaymin is the gratitude Pokémon. When Amy thanked me for melting the ice, her powers activated, letting the flowers bloom!”

    “Oh really? I didn’t know that…” The Shaymin looked at Claire, a bit disappointed at herself for not knowing about her own species.

    “Why didn’t you know about that?” Taro asked Amy. She looked to the side in silence before speaking up.

    “Well, you know I’m a transfer student, but you don’t know why I am one in the first place…”

    Claire interrupted her. “Hey, no need to say anything if you don’t want to.” The Shaymin shook her head and let out a smile.

    “Nah, it’s fine. You’re actually the first classmates I tell this.” She looked around to see if anyone other than Taro and Claire were close by. Fortunately, Cerbera and Elsa were arguing, she didn’t know what was it about, but it was sure that Elsa was winning. At least Cerbera had just an annoyed look on his face. Amy turned back to both of them, sighing. “Well I’ll be honest… one of the reasons I don’t know anything about being a Shaymin is because… my parents are different Pokémon.”

    “Wait, that means…” He mused before being interrupted.

    “Yes… I am basically adopted. I don’t know what happened to my true parents, but I didn’t even get clues for who they truly are, so I’m kinda left in the dust at this point.” She frowned, looking down. “I didn’t even have time to research about my species, because at schools… the Pokémon there were always trying to use me, and just mentally torture me to do their bidding, just because I’m a mythical…” Again, tears fell from her face. “If I couldn’t be a good enough Shaymin for them… why still act like I’m some sort of fucking guardian angel to them…!? I’m basically just like them…!” She quietly shouted, but quickly the two other Pokémon closed in on her and did the best hug they could with their bodies.

    “It’s okay Amy, it’s okay. Just know, whoever did that to you in the past, we’re not like them.” Claire coos towards Amy, and Taro backs her up immediately.

    “If anyone’s gonna treat you like that again, just know that we’ll either shock or burn their asses!” He released Amy from the hug as he did a determined kind of pose. Claire also released the Shaymin and she nodded in agreement. The little hedgehog didn’t know what to say, so she teared up in a happy way.

    “T-thank you guys! Thank you so much!” She sniffed as Claire replied with a smile.

    “Anytime.” This feeling… Claire knew this feeling, the feeling of being there for each other, the feeling of interaction with others that are not from her kin. After one week and a half at her high school, she was making starting to make friends again. Why though? She thought she didn’t need anymore to become the best explorer that ever was, only a human. Maybe… when John came into her life, it felt like everything had changed. Was this it? Was this the cycle that her mom said would be different? Did she speak the truth? Honestly, Claire didn’t know, but she was willing to see what more this year would throw at her.

    Suddenly, Cerbera passed besides her and walked to the front desk once again and turned to the class. “Ahem.” He got everyone’s attention. “Sorry for the…” He fake-coughed as he shot a glare toward Elsa. “Icey interruption…” He looked to the center of the classroom once again. “Anyways, let’s officially start the-…” He got interrupted as the door opened, revealing a Porygon-Z on the door of the class, moving it’s floating body parts with less energy than a normally active type of his species.

    With a glitchy male voice, he announced, floating to the front of the class.

    “Go-go-gooooOOOOd morning-ing-ing class!” Cerbera quickly ran to his seat while tripping on his desk. He got up on his hay quickly while smiling sheepishly at the teacher. The class replied with a “Good Morning Mr. Zeta!” The computer Pokémon suddenly got a disk from somewhere in his behind his body and ejected another disk from his chest area. He inserted the disk he pulled out while throwing the other disk in the trash can. He suddenly started speaking in a sports announcer voice. “Way better! That voice module was kinda broken in all the senses! [99% deal’s off from that old-timey.]” The last part he said with static in his eyes before turning back to normal. The students looked at each other and began to giggle a bit. “Anyways my dear students, as you probably noticed I uh… kinda got a bit late to class today.” He said while twirling his nubs around each other, it seemed a bit glitchy.

    “Why’s that teacher?” Taro asked, tilting his head.

    “Well my dear [Rats, we’re rats-] student, I was solving the final touches to [The adventure of a lifetime that might cost millions of lives-] a project that I was planning to make with all of you tomorrow!” The class stayed silent and Amy was the first to break the silence.

    “Is… is it dangerous?” She asked, a bit on edge about this project.

    “Don’t worry, [Rolling around at the speed of sound~] this is gonna be an outside school activity that you’re gonna [Die of so much fun!] An experience that’ll not only strengthen your bonds but also enhance your combat experience.” At those words, Claire had a feeling of what that was.

    “Is it…?” She was about to ask when the Porygon-Z answered for her, already knowing the question.

    “That’s right!” He lifted a nub in the air while his head floated a bit off from their body, before coming back to it. “We’re gonna visit a Mystery Dungeon [™]!

    A couple things about Porygon-Zs in my story.

    1: Since Porygon-2 and Z are not Nintendo 64 looking, they have fur and are organic beings, while Porygon is not.

    2: Porygon-Zs act more robotic with a glitch than Porygon-2, who acts more like a normal creature, but still has that robotic side to it.

    3: Yes… their dialogue are very Spamton like since… I feel like Porygon-Zs are basically the Pokémon version of Spamton.

    Woohoo, now we’re moving onto the first Mystery Dungeon baby!

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    1. Mar 1, '24 at 7:40 pm

      Heya, back to round out our review exchange with the last of my feedback of the first 20k words of your story. I also posted this review on AO3, but couldn’t be bothered to cross-post the others since I figured it wasn’t saying anything new. It also took me a bit longer than anticipated to get together, so thank you for your patience.

      Chapter 7

      I take it that the main purpose of this chapter was to show of a bit more of how the setting works and hint towards things in the future like those human-snatchers running around. To its credit, there’s some fascinating implications lying around: the culture of civilization is apparently closely related enough to human culture that they use English, and humans coming along are common enough to be semi-commonly accounted for in accounts, with the implication that everyone who’s come has come as part of a reincarnation isekai. Morbid, but it has some fascinating implications for how normally travel is one-way to this world. I also liked the characterization on display. It was nice to see more of Iris, and especially nice to see Taro start to get fleshed out a bit. Also fun to see a bit more of Claire and how she’s evolving from initial impressions. The humor was pretty fun, if a bit more muted than in earlier chapters, which I gather was on purpose given that this chapter was mostly bouncing characters off each other, so it was probably for the best.

      It’s probably to be expected by now given that the first 15 or so chapters are a bit rough around the edges by your own accounting, but I noticed a number of flaws in this chapter.You had a recurring issue with description, both in quantity and in placement. As a general rule of thumb description *before* events is usually better than *after* the events happen. I also was not really feeling the “describing things happening elsewhere in the middle of a scene” moment with the Purrloin getting released from Spirit Shackle. Like it didn’t have any plot relevance and if John literally could not see it play out, does it really make sense for him to react to it? Granted, that’s an easy fix by just giving John and Iris some way of having line of sight with Iris doing her thing.

      I also noticed there were a number of phrasings felt a bit iffy to me, along with verb tense slip-ups where you mixed and matched present and past tenses, both in narration and in dialogue. Make sure you make a point of reading these things out loud to yourself, since a lot of these issues are things that you can immediately hear how they sound awkward when spoken aloud. I also noticed that there was some weirdness involving character perspective. “Head-hopping” is okay to an extent in omniscient narration, which seems to be what you chose to use for your narrative style this story, but it still needs proper transition and spacing in order to avoid feeling jarring and not switching from one character to another and back on a sentence by sentence basis. The best way to think of it is like writing the perspective of a camera moving around on a TV set. If you hover the camera on one character in particular, the camera needs to be moved to take focus off of said character. In the same way, the narration’s focus needs to be managed similarly.

      Chapter 8

      Alright, this was admittedly a chapter that I thought was a bit on the noticeably weaker side, but there will be plenty of time for me to get into criticisms about it, so let me talk a bit about the stuff I liked about it. I liked the character focus this chapter had in particular, and I’m glad to see that we’re getting to see more of Taro and Amy here. Mr. Zeta was also a fun addition to the cast, and I can already tell there’s going to be loads of shenanigans involving that Porygon-Z. I also thought that the ending note did a decent job at getting readers interested in coming back, even if I think it would’ve potentially been a bit stronger showing off more of Claire’s reaction. Like yeah, it’s a bit cliffhangery, but cliffhangers are popular narrative devices for a reason, and this chapter’s ending is an example of why.

      Alright, time to get onto those actual criticisms: the long and short of it is that I thought that this was a bit of a weaker chapter, since it didn’t feel like we had a lot of progression in it beyond “we’re going to a Mystery Dungeon”. In general, this chapter had the same general issues as Chapter 7, but I already spent plenty of words spelling those out earlier, so I’ll save my breath and focus on the stuff that stood out more in this chapter in particular:

      I noticed that this chapter had noticeable issues with “tell and not show”. Telling me that Claire is angry doesn’t hit as hard as getting in her head and showing it through the thoughts and feelings that she’s having in live time. Like one really noticeable moment for this was a point where there was a mention of “everything changing” for Claire, except… we don’t really see much of that? This is one of those things where seeing things play out or even just mentioned in passing of how they’re different would go a much longer way to selling this vibe. Since when I saw that bit, my immediate reaction was essentially “Wait, they did? But we barely saw Claire start her school year”.

      Sorry if that wasn’t quite the ending note you were hoping to get from this review exchange, but I do want to emphasize that in spite of my gripes about execution, that I think that the fundamental core of this story is decently solid. I admittedly can’t blame you for opting not to rewrite these chapters a second time, but I hope that the feedback was helpful for you, and that you’ll find it useful while writing your chapters in the present day.